I went to my Alanon meeting yesterday where someone shared they felt so overwhelmed. They shared that they went through past journals where almost every entry the word "overwhelmed" appeared. It got me thinking. I, too, often feel overwhelmed. In fact, at this moment, I have enough on my plate to create intense overwhelming emotions.
This is what is circling my life these days --> I am due to go back to work after my foot surgeries next week. I was excited to go back and get started with my new outlook on corporate employment vs. entrepreneurship. But, while in Arizona I had some pretty painful back pain out of the blue. I carried on with my commitments to family pushing through the pain. I wasn't taking care of myself, and I didn't ask for help. I came home and went to Urgent Care where they ordered a stomach ultrasound. I thought to myself, "weird, it's my back not my stomach," but I went with it.
I had forgotten I had gallstones on watch from five years ago. Apparently, they have decided to populate and thrive in my sweet gallbladder as well as create a thick gallbladder wall to protect their life in *my* gallbladder. The Urgent Care doctor made it sound pretty serious and asked me, "why didn't you go to the emergency room when it started?" I didn't have an answer for him. But I thought if I did that, then my family wouldn't have enjoyed a day trip to Jerome or a nice dinner get together the next day that I had planned.
I was telling my therapist about all this. And she asked me, "who was caretaking you during all this while you were caretaking everyone else?" Again, I had no answer.
I got a second opinion about my gallbladder from my gastro doctor and yes, based off of family history and the ultrasound results it does need to come out...... it needs to come out the week I am supposed to go back to work.
If this wasn't overwhelming enough? My Mom's boyfriend who has been in our lives for a long time is hooked up to a ventilator. We are hoping he can start breathing on his own soon. It's been extremely stressful. (Please keep sending your prayers.) My Mom is holding up, but I know she is really sad without him.
When this woman shared about her experience with overwhelming emotions in my meeting I thought, "what is the quickest way out of my fear and overwhelment?" Is that even a word?
A Course in Miracles says, “The presence of fear is a sure sign you are trusting in your own strength.”
I thought about how although I was going to my Alanon Meetings and working my steps, I wasn't using my God Box. I wasn't turning over this situation to my Angels and Higher Power. I was carrying these overwhelming feelings on my back, stacking them one on top of the other. I raised my hand to share. I shared about what's going on for me, I talked about my overflowing God Box that needs to be replaced with a bigger one, and then I mentioned who was caretaking me.
My Alanon Family.
My Spiritual Family.
My Friends. Some I haven't met in person, just on Social Media.
My Higher Power.
I am not alone. Sometimes the best caretakers come in many other forms other than who you would think would be the first to stand up to care for you.
Thank you to everyone who has reached out and sent their love. I appreciate you.