This past weekend on Easter Sunday I confronted a fear of mine. It had been a year and a half since I broke my ankle in Malibu. This weekend I went back to that very spot that changed my life and rocked my world for the better. Malibu probably has the best beaches that Los Angeles has to offer. I had been going there for years, since 1992. It’s much cleaner and less populated than Santa Monica Beach and Venice Beach. This is the exact reason why I had decided to take my Mom to Broad Beach in Malibu in September 2015. I wanted to show her how beautiful it is. It really is breathtaking and a quick spiritual retreat that can recharge your batteries at little cost.
When we got there I should of known that it would be too dangerous to get down those 100 stairs with no handrails and debris all over the steps and walk way. Nope, we went anyway, with Mom, my precious and adorable shih tzu, Chester and about four beach bags. I was so worried about my Mom falling that I was paying attention to her steps. I was care taking, as usual. It was really no wonder that I fell. I had never broken anything before, which was crazy to think about because I had played softball since I was five, I ran track and hiked often. This probably was the most tragic and terrifying thing that had ever happened to me. It shot my anxiety level through the sunny skies above the sparking sand in minutes, because as soon as I fell, I lost control. I became dependent. I could no longer take care of myself, and really, I couldn't take care of others. This was very uncomfortable for me. I don’t ask for help. Or, I didn't then. I took care of myself and was never dependent, even as I child. I prided myself on never needing anyone. That day, I needed someone. I needed more than I ever imagined.
I had written previously that this was all root chakra stuff. (See my blog, “What is a chakra anyway?” http://bit.ly/whatisachakra) Looking at it now, the clock was ticking and in a matter of time, something like this was going to come to a head. I am so grateful it did! That accident on the beach with my Mom changed my life. It was serendipitous that it happened with my Mother. The roles reversed and I needed her more than she needed me. It allowed me to get out of my own way and be willing to accept help from her and others. I was on my knees praying to my Higher Power and my angels to help me to see the lesson in this all. My Mom and I were able to make amends to each other. Our relationship transformed into giving and receiving at that time. It was magical.
Having four months off of work allowed me to be introduced to some amazing spiritual healers and teachers. I read every self-help book I could get my hands on by inspiring authors: Doreen Virtue,Wayne Dyer, Caroline Myss and Marianne Williamson to name a few. And to be honest, I wasn't much of a reader before unless it was about shopping, dating and mindless escapes. I became more acquainted with my angels and my intuitive gifts. It was really a spiritual re-birth. I became a Certified Angel Card Reader. I learned how to listen and ask questions. Although I wasn't a master at it, I did my best to keep gossip and judgment at bay. I did my best to not care what other’s thought of me. There is a quote by Wayne Dyer, “What other people think of me is none of my business.” This literally saved me on some days. Being a people pleaser, wanting everyone to love me, matching my mood to yours and making myself disappear did not give me a sense of myself. If you liked me, I liked me. This is not true for me today. I absolutely love me, wether you do or not.
So you can imagine how excited I was to visit that spot on Broad Beach in Malibu and show it how much I had transformed! It seems silly, but I wanted to visit that spot all last year and had been scared to do it alone. I would get anxiety thinking about it as it would bring up so much old thinking. I needed to show this rickety wooden walkway that I survived and I am stronger than I have ever been. Really, I needed to show myself. As I am typing this very sentence I am listening to a Louise Hay say in a meditation, “I love and approve of myself.” Perfect. Another message from my angels.
I asked a few of my soul sisters to come with me and have a ceremony of sorts. They were more than happy to come and support me. We first went to El Matador Beach in Malibu and had a #spiritjunkie moment. We brought our crystals, I brought my Angel Cards and we had a beautiful afternoon of clearing, cord cutting and angel card readings. We had a fun photo shoot too! After I was able to let go of that old anxiety around the most tragic accident in my entire life, we drove a mile down to Broad Beach. I took a deep breath as we walked up to the gates. This time I noticed a “Area Closed Due to Hazardous Conditions” sign. I don’t remember that being there before. If it was, I don’t even think I would have noticed it since I was bound and determined to show my Mom this beautiful spot. My friends decided to have me walk in the middle of them down the steps, as I am still recovering from my two hammertoe surgeries. If I fell either way, they would catch me. That’s what soul sisters do. I was amazed at how dangerous it looked. There was only a handrail on one side on part of the stairway. There was debris and sand everywhere. The few people that were walking down to the beach; I so wanted to warn them. I was quiet and just soaked in everything I was feeling and let their Higher Power take care of them.
When I made it down to the bottom just before the six foot drop of sand bags to the beach, I stopped. This was exactly where I slipped. Not on the stairs, but on the cleanest, flattest surface. “This is where you fell? Once you got all the way down?” My one friend asked laughing. It really was funny. They indulged me by letting me tell them exactly how everything happened. We laughed so hard and it felt wonderful. I did it! I did it with two spiritually kind women who are a part of my tribe.
They asked me, “How do you feel?”
I just smiled. “It feels good,” I said out loud. But to myself I vowed to never refer to that day as the most tragic and terrifying thing that ever happened to me. If it wasn't for that amazing divine intervention I would not be the spiritually connected, accepting, angel-loving, wonderful daughter, amazing aunt, sensitive friend, good listener, writer, and author I am today.