Sat Nam. I just finished my 2nd weekend of Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training (KKYT), and wow, I am being triggered and tested in so many ways. A lot of beautiful miracles too. A few Sundays back I went to see Gabby Bernstein in LA. In the last meditation, she played "I am the Grace of God,"the Gurunam Singh version.I bawled my eyes out as I sang along with the beautiful crowd. Then at KYTT the next weekend my teacher, Wahe Guru was picking Mantras for people. This is one of her specialties. I said I wanted a mantra to help me trust, specifically trust in men. I haven't shared this on a blog or Social Media; I am a survivor of incest. **deep breath** It is big for me to say that here. We met in groups to look at the page of Mantra's listed and "I am the Grace of God" sang to me loud and clear from the page. But, I also saw, "Bountiful, Blissful and Beautiful. I asked Wahe Guru and she said, "I am the Grace of God," without knowing the amazing experience I had singing this the week before at Gabby's event. So, I am listening to this song for the next 40 days if not longer. Every morning and every night. He specifically sings in the song, "It's time to leave the past behind, just let go, let's unwind. Ease your body, rest your mind, go with in and see what we find."
Then in the lecture at KYTT on Sunday, I heard a beautiful story from Suraj, a lovely lady who served Yogi Bhajan from when she was a teenager until he passed. He seemed like a father figure to her, he protected her and cared for her and picked her the perfect mate. I cried. It made me long for that connection with a father that may have taught me not to be afraid of men. I felt connected to Yogi Bhajan, and thought, "could he show me? Could he be the one to teach me to let go of my fear of men?" I wasn't sure since he is passed. But, what I was totally sure of, I am connected to this Yogi Bhajan! He brings out strong emotion in me.
This week I met with Wahe Guru again. She said before we talk business, can we have a student/teacher talk? I said sure. She said, "I have been meditating on the 40 day, 31 minute meditation for you to do and finally today Yogi Bhajan came to me and said, "Prem Savitri ( my spiritual name ) needs to do the Tratakum Meditation to become Prem Savitri."" Prem means love. Savitri means goddess of wisdom and knowledge. Then she told me that Yogi Bhajan could be that nurturing father figure for me. He can wrap me in a big hug that I so long for.
Like a good Kundalini Teacher Training Student, I looked up this meditation. www.3ho.org says The Teacher Within: Tratakum Meditation gives the power to the beholder, in the student who, by using the picture to help him tune into his inner awareness, elevates himself and gives life to the spirit of the Teacher inside. Teachers are connected by the Golden Chain, unto Infinity. Meditating on the picture allows you to ascend the Golden Chain. It is an action done with humility. Nothing else has the value of this meditation. As part of the meditation, I need to gaze into this photo for 31 minutes a day, for 40 days with no sound. Do you know who this picture reminds me of? His eyes? My perpetrator. I am so shaken, scared, moved and excited at the same time.
More will be revealed with this journey of Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training and the healing from my childhood trauma. And to top all this off, I am in the middle of my Fourth step in Alanon and the topic this week? Shame. There are no accidents.
I am so grateful to have this experience. It is probably one of the toughest things I will experience, but I am sticking to my mantra that I picked for myself the beginning 2017: