I have to get real honest with you. For the first time in my life, I am admitting depression. Over the years, I had feelings of depression, but never really called it by its name. So today I decided to feel my feelings but in a very public way. I try to share only uplifting and inspirational content on Social Media. And when I am authenticly sharing about what I am going through I often turn it into a lesson. Right now, I just want to feel and not try to solve what the universal lesson is in all of this. I feel like sometimes I search for, "what is God and my Angels trying to tell me?" as a way to not dwell in the sadness of the situation. It is okay to be sad about what I am going through. It is fucking sad.
I have been isolating, unable to move, almost paralized. It scares me. I have shortness of breath, I have been lethargic and dizzy and very emotional. My hands have been tingling and the swelling has been so bad that it busted my grandmother's 14k ring. I decided to go see my primary care physician. I hadn't seen her since she cleared me for surgery back in February to have the neuromas removed from both of my feet, what I thought was the root of my chronic feet pain and the savior of all this feet drama. I let her know the surgery was unsuccessful and that in fact, my feet are now worse because I have "stump neuromas," something that can happen after neuroma removal surgery. I also let her know I was diagnosed with "floppy toes" in both feet, the fourth toe next to my pinky. The floppy toes are most likely going to be a permanent disability, my last podiatrist shared, because apparently, 90% of podiatrist do not want to touch a floppy toe. Awesome. As most of you know I had hammertoe surgery and reconstructive hammertoe surgery on these said "floppy toes."
My PCP said to me, "chronic pain often leads to depression." Until that moment I was not able to say I was suffering from chronic pain. She informed me that three years of feet pain was long enough to be considered chronic. People who suffer from chronic pain are the only ones who know what it is like. I can say this because before when someone told me they had chronic pain I thought to myself, "get over it, it is not that bad." Now, I have complete sympathy and almost beat myself up daily for having those judgy thoughts.
"What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful." - Brene Brown
To be told that you have a permanent disability is overwhelming. I am only 42. I have a lot of life left. The pain I feel on a daily basis is sometimes overwhelming and is debilitating. My feet burn, buzz, throb, electrify and pinch pretty much all day long. At night it is the worst. I can't sleep. Sleeplessness can also lead to depression. I am exhausted from very little movement. I am overweight and have gained 10 lbs since February. I have got to be vulnerable with you because if I say it out loud, maybe it will help me to have compassion for myself.
A couple of weeks ago I was really excited because I saw a new podiatrist, my 6th one. This podiatrist had the ability to do cryosurgery which is pretty much freezing of the neuroma. It is done in office and I was told it has an 80% success rate. I was hopeful! We did it on one foot. The doctor said I would be able to tell right away if it worked. I was patient. Four days later, same pain but bruised and rough skin probably from the chemicals pumped into my foot. Now I am defeated and really upset.
I am not one to give up. I am chanting the mantra for healing and protection all day long..... "ra ma da sa sa say so hung"...... "ra ma da sa sa say so hung." I have put my feet situation in my God Box more times than I can count. I am working on balancing my root chakra through kundalini yoga, Alanon and therapy. After lightly posting a little bit about my situation a few people recommended I read the Medical Medium. I have tried and spent oodles of money on essential oils, acupuncture, energy healing, Reiki and CBD oil, so what was another 15 bucks on a book. I read the chapter on RA, rheumatoid arthritis. Now I am working on eliminating inflammatory foods in my diet. Yes, that means sugar. In the past I often rewarded my pain by going and getting frozen yogurt or a boba milk tea. It's rough eliminating a true addiction..... an addiction to sugar. I have also stopped with the salt. By the way, if anyone knows the Medical Medium personally, can you give him my digits? I think I would make an excellent case study! :)
"Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness."
This week I am driving all the way to Beverly Hills to see the 7th Podiatrist. That's a big freaking deal for those of you who know what is like driving across Los Angeles County. I still have hope. This doctor has several Yelp reviews stating that "after so many foot surgeries he has been the only doctor that healed my feet," or "He is the eighth podiatrist and final one to solve my feet pain." I am praying he didn't pay people to write those reviews. This poor guy has no idea the faith I am installing in his miraculous hands.
That is one thing. I am still a believer in miracles. God, Angels, I need a miracle.
Thank you for letting my feel my feelings with you. I do feel better. Sat Nam.