Something I have learned along the winding road of spiritual growth is to do you. It's that simple. I have struggled with this because I crave approval and recognition from others, especially women. I want to please others often to the detriment of myself. It's a big thing to admit, but you all know me for my authenticity.
Well, today, I changed my mind. I wasn't going to do this anymore. I wasn't going to do things to get more likes or to be acknowledged by others. When we do this: set these kinds of expectations --> "if I do this, then maybe they will do that," resentments set in. I was feeling resentful, and mostly I was getting resentful with myself for allowing this energy to be so unbalanced.
Let me explain. I have a long history of idolizing women specifically. I unpacked it all in therapy this week, and some big fucking revelations were bestowed upon me. It stems from the relationship I had with my mom who suffered from alcoholism as most of you know. I know I have healed this, which is why this character defect came out front and center this past week. In the past, when I wasn't getting the attention I craved from my Mom, I sought out attention from teachers, coaches, sponsors, mentors and well-known figures. I would do anything to please them. Do extra things, give away stuff including my time and volunteering in hopes to receive an ounce of gratitude. Some things I was doing for fun and free. Some things I wasn't. I never understood why I would give and give and give and not get what I needed in return. The truth is only I can fill myself up.
When I was in my twenties, I became friends with a pretty well known female singer. I wasn't allowed to talk about it, and until recently I really haven't. It has come up a lot in therapy. Although I do think this person cared about me, and I did gain a lot from the relationship, I also lost a lot of myself. I lost my light, my energy and other people who genuinely wanted my friendship with nothing in return all because I was on the desperate hunt for this one celebrity's love. It was an insane part of my life. My Mom was really struggling, and I needed this other person. The friendship was so unbalanced with me giving a lot! When I demanded more, I lost them. This taught me to not speak up for myself, and I continued with the unbalanced relationships with teachers, coaches, and mentors.
As my relationship with my Mom healed, I started to recognize my character defect of significant people pleasing. I was no longer as hungry for love and attention. I was getting what I needed from my Mom the more and more we worked on our relationship. I learned to trust my gut as to why I was doing these things for these women. I sensed earlier on when the energetic exchange was unbalanced with the work, time, love and energy I was giving. It didn't feel right. It felt like shit. I was so sad that all my efforts went unrecognized, and very little was reciprocated... but this time I stood up for myself. I said no. I adjusted my approval seeking behavior. It was nothing personal, and I am sure with these women that I idolized it wasn't personal either.
As my spiritual journey continues to evolve and transform this is something I will have to continue to monitor. I will check in with my intuition... ask her some questions as to why I am doing this or that? If it isn't for fun and for free then the answer needs to be no. It really is that simple. I have got to put me first.