I know it has been a minute since I shared my authentic truth on Authentic Words ~the blog. In the spirit of authenticity, I have not been well. Shit hit the fan the beginning of January, and my life has been seriously unmanageable. This has brought me to my knees at the first step of my Alanon program.
We admitted we were powerless over Alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.
Although I am not an alcoholic, in Alanon we adopt the first step of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I am powerless. My life is unmanageable.
Let me dive into the juicy details. A few people know that one of my biggest fears is the day that my Mom would have to come live with me. *Sigh* I thought I would have more time. Like, a lot more time. I am turning 43 this year, still so young with many plans ahead of me.
Back in November 2018, I started to ask for prayers for my Mom's partner of 14 years. He ended up in the hospital on life support after not taking his medication for a while without alerting my Mom that he needed help managing his pills. He made it out of that medical emergency but did not respond well to Physical Therapy. He, if we are honest, didn't really cooperate. They sent him home, and he progressively got worse. He ended back in the hospital in December, and things never got better.
My Mom was exhausted driving to and from the physical rehab daily. And emotionally she was drained watching her partner give up. I am crying thinking about it. He was a father figure to me. I felt he gave up on the both of us. My Mom and I had countless conversations with him over the years telling him he couldn't give up and leave my Mom. Although that is not fair, I secretly counted on it.
When I went home for Christmas, I was astonished at how much he deteriorated. He was so weak, wouldn't eat and barely spoke to anyone. I tried to give him a pep talk only to fall on deaf ears with me leaving the room in tears.
I knew. I knew it was happening — my biggest fear.
His family decided to move their Dad back to Minnesota and put him in a memory care facility. This was heartbreaking news. My Mom was crushed. I think she realized how much she loved him and came to rely on his partnership over the years. She would go to his room every night and sit in a chair by his bed, and they would talk before bedtime, and although this had stopped with him being in the hospital for three months, she realized those talks would never happen again.
I realized I would never see him again. I was left to walk my Mom through this trauma as she said goodbye to her life partner. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I wasn't sure I even wanted to. I was so angry and sad at the same time.
Through all this devastation, the curveball life threw at me; I stuck to my self-care practice. I had learned to cope during stressful situations by attending my Alanon meetings, working my steps, and reading the Alanon literature. I went to Kundalini Yoga class, and I taught Kundalini Yoga classes. I treated myself to massages, and I made outreach calls to many of my close friends for support. I kept up my daily gratitude journal, and I still worked my 90 day / 31-minute meditation that was part of my Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training Level two, (today was my last day, goooooo me!)
When we got the news Dwight was leaving, we knew what that meant. My Mom would have to come to California to live with me. My biggest fear became a reality. And please don't start with suggesting I may have manifested this or I let my ego creep in with the fear, blah blah blah or I didn't trust that the Universe had my back. Sometimes shit happens. Shit that you have no control over. It brings me back to the first step of my Alanon program.
For the last three weeks I have been searching for the perfect place for my Mom and I and our two dogs that was affordable, (in LA, ha!) I asked for help. And although the help that was offered winded up being a dead end lead, today I turned in papers "for something better" in Monrovia, the town my Mom and I both grew up going to to visit her relatives. This is the town my family started in. My family is buried in the cemetery right down the street from this very apartment! I have so much faith. Although this has been one of the most stressful and nerve-racking times in my life, I talked to my Higher Power on a daily basis. I have been a mess. I have cried. A lot.
But, I was never alone! I have so many beautiful people in my life that are so quick to offer help and assistance. My employer, you know the one I talked about in my last blog? They have been wonderful! I have the best boss ever. My angels have been right by my side. My therapist is a gem. Thank you for everyone who had my Mom and me in their prayers. I am so grateful.
Please keep praying for my Mom and I. This is going to be a huge adjustment for me. Life as I knew it is over. But, I am hopeful for the blessings, the miracles and the healing that are yet to come as I get to share the last years of my Mom's life with her.