With every job I worked, I received opportunistic feedback that I wasn't patient. My Mom told me growing up that I was so impatient! People never operated in my time line. Teachers in school would encourage me to slow down.
Slowing down is not in my vocabulary. I am always doing something. My hands never stop moving. I am productive to a fault because I force solutions to soothe my impatience. Often times the solutions I forced winded up being utter disasters, which only gave me temporary relief of my anxiousness.
I am going to be really transparent with you about how my mind works. I think, "Tara, if you do this, this and that then this will happen faster, and it will clear your schedule for tomorrow to relax and be still." Tomorrow couldn't come fast enough, but I would find myself in the same crazy hamster wheel getting shit done, feeling super accomplished on the tomorrow that I was supposed to be still and let the Universe vibe the way she wants. I could never be idle. I didn't trust that my Higher Power knew what was best for me and would take care for me what I couldn't do for myself.
Does this sound like you?
I am no expert on this subject, but lately, I have found myself in situations where I was forced to be patient because yes, I surrendered to my Higher Power and trusted that she knew what was best for me. Surrendering. I hate surrendering. I want to feel that power, the knowing that I have complete control over people, places, and things. The more control my ego convinces me I have, the more crazy that I feel as I sit in a bubble of insanity wondering why shit wasn't happening in my time.
"Stop searching for whatever you think you have to do to get
whatever you think you want."
I realized a few months ago that I couldn't control the state government with a program we desperately needed for my Mom. I honestly thought that if I called so many times, showed up in offices demanding answers that papers would slide across desks in my time....faster. It turns out that we got more support for my Mom than even imaginable because Guess What??? My angels had a better plan; they were working on a few details behind the scenes that manifested in some serious abundance if I could just wait a gosh damn minute. (Next time angels, I promise I will let you take the wheel.)
I also learned that I couldn't make a University process paperwork fast enough to get me enrolled in the summer semester that quite honestly, I wasn't ready to start. Instead, I got a few months to figure out my new life as a full-time masters student before I start this next chapter in my life the end of August.
Here is another lesson on patience. I cannot get my mom to walk faster, think quicker, and do things in a time frame in which I expect from her. My mom has been my greatest teacher in patience since she came to live with me in February. Compassion has lead me to be less impatient with her, which, as a result, created more stillness and the ability to let things ride out in other areas of my life.
Back to surrendering. Meditation helps me to surrender. Kundalini Yoga helps me to slow down. Although surrendering isn't my strong suit, when I get on my Spirit Junkie yoga mat with the perfect white blanket and chant mantras at the top of my lungs, it all starts to make sense. I am currently chanting Ajai Alai by Sirgun Kaur. Ajai Alai helps restore the radiant body. When the radiant body is depleted, we feel we have to do *everything*. To learn more about this mantra, click here. Self-care and self-love also help me to surrender and be more patient. As the card from the Whispers of Love deck states, "love is patient and kind!"
Being patient clears out the subconscious garbage, it turns my overactive brain off; it brings me to my breath. I have learned that when I surrender, it delivers an intense sense of relief. It opens space in my inner resources to move through life with ease and get to where I want to go in the perfect divine time.